I have procrastinated about a year now to tell my full story. To tell my story as truthfully with facts and feel and the feelings, and emotions that comes with being a survivor of complex trauma. A little over a year ago we had a family get-together. That day had already been an emotional day because my mother was verbally abusive throughout that day. At the family gathering the person responsible for my CSA was that the get together. I was uncomfortable and ready to leave and my abuser/family member got extremely upset with me. He followed me to the front yard and started yelling at me. For some reason I was very hurt by his verbal abuse. Trying to stand up for myself I back talk to him. Then he grabbed me by my arms and shook me. Oh my gosh the emotions that I never felt and never was allowed to feel came crumbling down on me. I bawled and I cried for hours. My sister and my cousin were there and I walked over to my sister and I’ve laid my head down on her shoulder. When I cried and said he ruined my life. I realized I had never dealt with what I went through as a child.
I started on a crusade to find out as much as I could about my childhood. For years I have been running from my past not listening what my instincts an intuition we’re telling me. Due to my childhood and my foundation of life being dysfunctional at the least caused years and decades of verbal, sexual, and an emotional abuse. It’s taking a year to get the courage up to tell the story.
This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it.
As a child I can tell you I was shy and I felt different from everyone in my family and classmates. I meant my best friend when I was 9. She was polar opposite from me. She allowed me to open up and get in touch with my Wild Side. She was and still is an angel sent to save me.
I had to do an intense rediscovery of my past. Trust me when I say this is something I did not want to do but after the events leading up to this standoff face to face with memories I stuff down deep within my soul. I had a lot of questions and I had to find the truth within the lies that were told throughout the years. February 2017 I stayed awake for 20 days. Not because I wanted to and nothing even my prescription medication is allowing me to sleep. I had to go through my past and reliv each and every experience of sexual, verbal, and physical abuse.
I have realized I was sexually molested for 7 years. It started when I was 4 years old and ended when I was in 6th grade. I know this because I can visualize my hairstyle. As a child I blocked all those memories out until I was 15. It’s strange to me because I was in counseling from the time I was four and still going. When I was a child I went to a psychologist every week and all we did was play card games. Only if somebody had mentioned sexual abuse Maybe I would have remembered earlier, started treatment earlier. I was in counseling for misbehaving or acting out. In retrospect and in the knowledge I know now I was having panic attacks. When there were family functions that’s when it was at its worst, still to this day I have problems and with family get-togethers.
The Middle School I was so shy. My self-esteem was so low it couldn’t possibly get any lower. When I was in high school is when I decided to have an armor to protect me from any emotional distress. When I was 14 my grandmother passed away. I was so close to my grandmother she was the only one I was attached to. That was my first suicide attempt out of 7. That was also my first mental hospital stay out of 25. In my opinion out of all the hospital stays it was the only one that actually tried to help. Unbeknownst the psychiatrist and myself I was not able to be helped because I did not remember the abuse yet. Doing this blog is getting very emotional I have to take a break