You should know something’s wrong when a young child has chronic panic attacks

  • When I was younger I would say from the age of 9 till 13 I barely remember my childhood but I remember everytwell definitely time for me to take a break this was intent for me don’t worry hing about the abuse. I met my best friend when I was 9, Nicole. I do believe that she stayed me in many ways. She moved in when we were about 13 years old and she stayed with me almost till we graduated high school. Our family was middle class and very comfortable in order for that to happen though of course both parents worked and us kids were left to our own device we pretty much did whatever we wanted to do. Little did I know that I was blocking out being molested because that started at my at Age 4. I’m almost thankful that my mind knew that I could not handle that truth is at that time. But there was always something wrong in that household. My mother told me that my stepdad was my real dad. And all that time when I was growing up I knew that I was different from the rest of the family and I still tried very hard to be accepted by who I thought was my father. I’m going to say this and I know my family doesn’t want me speaking out but this is my choice this is my life and this is what I had to go through and I survived and I have a right to speak about it. What I have learned by asking many many people and investigating on the internet and everything that I’ve done. I’ve learned that because of my panic attacks which they misdiagnosed me and said I was having temper tantrums I had gotten a spanked and switched a lot pretty much every day. I remember being dragged through the house but my hair. I remember trying to get my stepfather’s attention even his parents treated me different children not stupid they are extremely smart and when there’s an unhealthy environment in my opinion it’s better to communicate with the child then too leave that child out of the conversation because the children are smart and and they’re going to feel like either they’re being left out or because the children are smart and and they’re going to feel like either they’re being left out or they are not not being treated as well as the other children so it’s just better to kneel down and talk openly with your child of course that was not how it worked in my family. When I was 13 me and Nicole were being mischievous and Nicole found my baby book. what a surprise and what is shocked to find out that I had a real dad and that my stepfather wasn’t my real dad. I went to my grandmother who was staying with us at the time her name was nanny and she sat us down me and Nicole and she told me the truth. I was so excited I couldn’t believe that I actually had somebody else out there that maybe loved me the way I needed to be loved. it took over a year but I finally got to meet him. and here’s the thing about children is they don’t mind who you are I didn’t care who to other people all I knew is he was my dad and that he loved me unconditionally. and that’s all that matters to a child. Parent alienation is a form of child abuse. because I’ve been on both ends and and because of what I’ve been through in my life I know that even if the father in the mother can’t stand each other it’s not about them and they have to get over themselves it’s about the children. The future generation of this world. I was 14 at that time shortly after meeting my father my nanny passed away. The one and only person I was close to my family was gone. And the pathetic experts at that time instead of seeing my grief because that that by the time I was 14 I had our I was an armored person myself from getting hurt. I couldn’t even cry at her funeral I had my arms crossed and I couldn’t even get near I was angry I was hurt I was the only person in the world that love me was gone. I’m not sure what had started it but my mother had sent me away. She was planning on putting me in a boarding school. I was at my aunt and uncle’s house and I had a severe panic attack because they had this large picture of my nanny in a frame and I grabbed I think three bottles of aspirin and took them a part of my mental illness is that I have Suicidal Tendencies. so that was only the first out of 5 suicide attempts. A friend of mine called her name is Jennifer I’m still friends with her today and I told her what I did and of course I was in a hospital as soon as possible. that is when I met Dr Brams. I had seen a lot of psychologists throughout my childhood and none of them picked up on anyting! dr. Brahms he knew there was something else going on but because I had blocked out all the pain and the abuse Dr Brams could only treat me for the depression. later on I found out that Dr Brams had suggested that I didn’t move back in with my family. he had told my mom that I would have been better off staying there or in a stable environment although that would have always put a strain on me and my mother, like there’s not on already a strain between us. so I ended up going back home. by that time my mother and my first step father were divorced and she had remarried. so I went on oblivious to the reason why I had so much pain and panic and sadness inside me. by the time I reached High School I was no longer that timid shy child. I had figured out acting tough and covering my pain with an armor was my survival technique. I was like two different people. I was miserable whenever I was at home, so when I was at school I just let loose. I pretty much ran wild and did whatever I wanted to do. one day there was a speaker who came to the school to speak about sexual abuse. It was scheduled in the auditorium and of course I walked in there a little late with a big attitude and sat in the back seat. the minute this lady mentioned sexual abuse I had a flashback of years of sexual abuse that it happened to me. a family member named George who had been molesting me for so many years. I was in that Auditorium I was 15 years old. the flashback was like a movie going off in my head. thank goodness I was in the back row. I jumped up and ran as fast as I could to my favorite teacher. I didn’t know who else to go to. she tried to comfort me. But I was in shock and disbelief but I knew it was true. the rest of the day was a Daze. the next thing I can remember about that day is my mother confronting me about it. you see we lived a smaller town. so of course my mother found out before I even got home while she was at work. I was scared I didn’t want to say anything I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t even want to think about it I just wanted it out of my head . unfortunately my mother’s Insurance had changed and I couldn’t go see Dr Brams. my mother’s insurance was Prucare .if you know anything about that they’re out of business because of so many malpractice suits against them ! they were not giving patience there after care and they were making shortcuts all over the place! the doctors were actually signing off on it! so the mental hospital they put me in was in 12 Oaks Hospital which is now shut down and I recall these uneducated and uncaring doctors trying to communicate with me,  but I’ve seen psychiatrist and psychologist my whole life and I know when a psychiatrist is full of s*** and not caring but I think psychiatrist and psychologist my whole life and I know when they don’t know what they’re doing. This Dr had no idea what he was doing. I’ll look back at that situation now and I feel so sad for that little girl. I remember keeping my arms crossed the whole time I was there. So  no one ever knew how many years the horrible things that actually occurred  or that George’s friend even took a shot at me. If I’m going accurate  real  and raw in my  life story then I’m  then I’m going to have to speak in detail and I know this.  out loud . so all I’m going to say about it is at 4 George was messing with me and I remember my mom coming home and he said to me just say I was tickling you . as the years went on things became more graphic. it’s hard for me to stand here and talk about it. It’s hard for me to. It’s hard for me to stand. It’s hard for me to stand here and talk about it. It’s hard for me to stand here and talk about it I don’t understand how my brain just blocked it all out as if it never happened! I will tell you about one of the last incidents. I remember because I was 6th grade. I can see my hairstyle.  I must have not gone to school that day because I remember saying no I don’t want to do this. He was in my room in a foldout chair. That is all I am going to say about thAT. You see because my best friend started living with me around the same time. So she saved me. well the Dr and the hospital at 12 Oaks released me without any aftercare or even reporting it to the social workers. I went home and no one ever spoke about it again. I went back to school like nothing ever happened.  so those of you that are holding onto a secret like this,you are giving the abuse the more you let it out the free you become.    well it’s definitely time for me to take a break this was very intense for me. Don’t worry. There is a lot more to come