All the past memories I blocked out

As a child I can tell you I was shy and I felt different from everyone in my family and classmates. I meant my best friend when I was 9. She was polar opposite from me. She allowed me to open up and get in touch with my Wild Side. She was and still is an angel sent to save me.

I had to do an intense rediscovery of my past. Trust me when I say this is something I did not want to do but after the events leading up to this standoff face to face with memories I stuff down deep within my soul. I had a lot of questions and I had to find the truth within the lies that were told throughout the years. February 2017 I stayed awake for 20 days. Not because I wanted to and nothing even my prescription medication is allowing me to sleep. I had to go through my past and reliv each and every experience of sexual, verbal, and physical abuse.

I have realized I was sexually molested for 7 years. It started when I was 4 years old and ended when I was in 6th grade. I know this because I can visualize my hairstyle. As a child I blocked all those memories out until I was 15. It’s strange to me because I was in counseling from the time I was four and still going. When I was a child I went to a psychologist every week and all we did was play card games. Only if somebody had mentioned sexual abuse Maybe I would have remembered earlier, started treatment earlier. I was in counseling for misbehaving or acting out. In retrospect and in the knowledge I know now I was having panic attacks. When there were family functions that’s when it was at its worst, still to this day I have problems and with family get-togethers.

The Middle School I was so shy. My self-esteem was so low it couldn’t possibly get any lower. When I was in high school is when I decided to have an armor to protect me from any emotional distress. When I was 14 my grandmother passed away. I was so close to my grandmother she was the only one I was attached to. That was my first suicide attempt out of 7. That was also my first mental hospital stay out of 25. In my opinion out of all the hospital stays it was the only one that actually tried to help. Unbeknownst the psychiatrist and myself I was not able to be helped because I did not remember the abuse yet. Doing this blog is getting very emotional I have to take a break

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